My First Born

I saw Beckett again on October 7th after a gap of three months. She was glad to see me but by now I'm firmly an unreliable, quite literally a fly by night operator, who doesn't stick around too long. And on my part, this guilt and fear prevented me from getting or getting her too attached, both for her and my good. This was the most heart breaking part of my trip back home despite all the fun she and I had learning "Chaow Meow", teaching her to jump and skip, flying drones, and spotting monkeys in Matheran. 

So being a long distance father is definitely not working for me and I'm going to put an end to it in the next couple of months.

But this post is not about that, nor is it about Beckett.

This post is about Atman. And although he is my brother, by virtue of being 10 years 4 months and 3 days younger to me and us losing our father when he was just 2 years and 6 months old, he is figuratively my first born. And despite all the joy Beckett has given me, he is and probably will always remain my greatest pride.

I was amazed at the maturity he displayed during an especially ugly incident. I'm especially grateful to him for the incredible kindness he showered on me. My pride just doubled (he being a funny guitarist, pianist, debater, photographer, designer, techie, know-it-all, good human being has already made me really proud of him) and I couldn't be more thrilled to see the boy I raised become the man I always wanted him to be. 

I'm truly sorry for not standing up for him and picking peace over doing what was right. I promise to do better next time. 

You can catch some of his work here: 

1. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqR0KbhMEkxBmjn-kJ3otyw  

2. http://atmanpandya.github.io/

But it is the person who is more amazing. You should meet him once. 

I don't know how she does it

Both Missus and the grandparents (and I) are doing something right. Beckett is turning into one sensitive, funny, compassionate, caring, and gumptious young lady.

From making imaginary phone calls with Uno cards, to exercising and doing Pranayam with Missus and me; 

from helping Pappa fold clothes after laundry, to doodling on fogged-up-by-breathing-on-it glass windows; 

from drinking banana milkshake and wearing large shoes to become a big girl faster, to instructing me to stand in a corner while insisting on pushing her own stroller; 

from running around and getting lost in a retail store, to imploring me to lift her because she's tired; 

from playing hide & seek to talking to Alexa - 'Aleta, Tan you play me Jingle bells?'; 

from being nervous about getting into the swimming pool, to insisting that she be let alone while swimming; 

from insisting that she's just a little baby (Hu naanu bau chu !!), to warning me never to do anything like that (Aavu koi divas nai karvanu!); 

from singing 'Khana Kha ke Daru Pi ke Chale Gaye',  to asking where Rucha aunty went; 

from consoling me at the airport that she'll be back soon, to asking Missus in the plane how come the Air hostess is asking everyone to sit down when she is roaming around in the aisle;

every now and then she does something that completely baffles me and gives me goosebumps.

But two days ago, when the whole of Mumbai was stranded at work, my daughter did something that simply stunned me beyond belief. We were scared that Missus may not be able to make it back home that night and this would be the first night where mother and daughter would have had to stay apart and that may cause heart burn for Beckett. However, Missus and Naani got her on video call and explained the situation to her. 

'It is raining. Mumma cannot leave office. So she may come home really late.'

'Is it? Are you alone?'

'No. Mumma has all Uncle and Auntys from office with her. Here talk to them.'

(Some babbling with Missus' office colleagues)

  

'Will you go to sleep with Naani while Mumma waits for the rain to stop?'

'Yes. But are the Naana Baus (small kids) of the uncles and auntys okay?' 

I don't know if it is normal for a 26 month old kid to think about the well being of others' kids. But somewhere both Missus and I have gotten really lucky and have too much to be grateful for.

Happy Birthday Beckett

My little bundle of joy, curiosity, and wonder turns two today. A little stroll down memory lane is warranted.

Happy Birthday Dearest !

Almost 2

Can you believe that Beckett will be turning two in just a few days? I surely can't and am as wonderstruck, awestruck and clueless as I was the day I first saw her on the ultrasound, shaped like a cashew nut.

I feel like doing a 'flashback episode' post of everything that has happened since then but am too lazy to do that. 

Beckett is now learning to master her motor skills, understanding and expressing many more emotions, and the science of curiosity.

The other day after trying for the umpteenth time, she managed to jump successfully. 

It was a small jump, her feet must have risen just one centimeter above the floor, only for a few milliseconds. But for those few milliseconds she was in the air, both feet, nothing holding her - not the ground, not Mumma or Pappa or Naana or Naani or Baa, only she and the air, in a sly little rendezvous that would be their little secret. 

The romance of the moment, the unbridled joy of this accomplishment was not lost on her. She looked at my camera holding MIL (mother in law), guffawed loudly with glee, and uttered the most cute of 'aye, jump!' (दंप in her baby talking tongue) and basked with pride in the glory of her achievement.

This, along with the first time she smiled as I sung 'Ho gaya hai pyaar tumse', and the first time she struggled really hard to get something (my cell phone) and then got it (at the age of 8 months when she was just learning how to crawl) are some of my favourite memories.

I cannot thank MIL enough for capturing this memory. 

One of the other things that I'm really pleased about is that she now asks 'Why?'. Unbeknowst to her, she has learnt to ask the most powerful question ever. May she continue to persist on this path, always.

Pappa is a satisfied Man.  

Happy Birthday Pappa

This is probably not a paradox. It is probably just a fight. Or maybe it is a paradox. 

Because while I cannot stop time, it cannot force me to grow up either. 

Do both win or do both lose? Or is it a tie, or a stalemate, or a paradox?

This is definitely not a paradox. Or maybe it is.

Here is to never growing up and always punching two classes above our weight class and always dreaming beyond the possible.

Here is my  wish for everyone reading (Translation for non hindi folks)

A to Z Challenge: Z is for Zip Zap Zoom

The A to Z challenge was inspired by Preeti's A to Z Challenge. You can read her blog here. So I wanted to end with a post similar to hers.

But fate had other plans. 

I lost my father when I was 13 and on February 20th this year, I came very close to losing my mother. She had suffered a massive heart attack and was in a hospital in Surat on ventilator support. It was a long and lonely flight back home, with just the lump of terror and perplexity in my throat for company. I had made Tejas bhai - my cousin, swear on his kids lives to tell me the truth before I boarded.

Terrible thoughts of 'I should've been with her', 'How negligent a son am I?', and 'What if' kept whizzing across my mind and the lump kept getting heavier.

But in the middle of the chaos, turmoil, and guilt, as my mind was preparing myself for the worst, I was overcome with a sudden sense of gratitude. My mother had people who loved her around her when this happened. She had access to the right medical care. We didn't have to worry much about money to take care of her. I didn't have to worry about work because my organization and its people are kind and put family first and I could work from back home.

After the most unpleasant and uncertain 10 hours, at the layover I came to know that she was conscious and lucid, now with 3 stents in her arteries. The next 48 hours were still critical, but the worst was probably over.

Still anxious and tormented, the thought of seeing Missus and Beckett now crept its way to mind. In the movie 'Hook', Peter Pan has grown up and forgotten how to fly. To be able to fly again, he has to go to a happy place in his mind. This most certainly was mine.

Beckett now talks in full sentences, uses big words, asks questions like 'Tu pacho avvano che?' ('Are you going to come back?'), goes to day care with Naani, climbs the slide the wrong way up, asks me to put on my glasses when we are on video call,  scribbles over paper, uses scissors (of course under Missus's watchful eyes), goes shopping and swimming, and still astounds us every now and then with what she learns and discovers and does.

Being a parent is hard work, but being a son or daughter is pretty darn difficult too. Gratitude, goodwill, and goodness of people around you go a long way in making the journey enjoyable and memorable.

A to Z Challenge: Y is for Yearn, Yonder, and Youth

Becoming a parent fu*ks you up in ways you cannot imagine. Your priorities change, but the paradoxes of those changing priorities tear you asunder in opposing directions. 

You yearn for your child when she is away from you but you also yearn for the good old days when the pressure of not fu*king up her life was not on your shoulder. If you are a mother, you yearn for the good old days when a whole night's sleep was not a luxury.

You look yonder; in time and in space. What and where is the best future for your child? Is it in line with that for you and the rest of your family? You Yo-Yo between what you think is best for your child and what you think is best for you, and you are wrong both ways. 

You pause to think about the two youths that stare you in the eye. 

One is the youth you see when you look at your child. The youth that is eager to come into its own, moving at breakneck speed to its crest, learning and teaching something new everyday, asking you to be a guiding light but requesting you not to blind it by the brightness. 

The other is the youth that stares back when you face the mirror. The youth that is anxious, wants to know if you are going to give up on it in favour of your new muse, scared that its best days maybe behind it, not wanting to go down without a good fight. It has been there, done that, knows that it is wasted on the young and that it'll be gone before you take notice.

You then look around for your wife, your mother, your father, your brother, or best friend to look you in the eye, put their hand on your shoulder, and tell you that everything will be alright.

Then you go back to being Awesome. 

True Story.

Blabbermouth person

Beckett is now a person.

She answers questions that my mother asks me during our video calls (like 'ketla vagya?' (what's the time?) and before I can answer, pat comes the reply. 'Chaar vagya' (it's 4 o clock)). She asks my mother to cover up Mickey Mouse because he is feeling cold. Today she offered me 'Nana ni Dava' (grandfather's medicine) and told me 'Patang chagavvani vaar che' (It's not yet time to fly kites). 

Of course her palette still needs practice and clarity. But she is learning at such an astounding rate.

On a completely different note, the book 'Between Parent and Child' by Haim Ginott should be mandatory reading for the entire human race. Not just for parents, but for the whole of humanity. Am reading it and have benefitted from it tremendously with all my relationships - professional and personal.  

A to Z Challenge: X is for X

This post has got nothing to do with Beckett. Even writer (blogger) fathers should take a break from their muse once in a while.

Beckett is busy oscillating perilously on the swing in the playground. She's now perfected the art of the dismount as well as the science of using her own momentum to swing without having to touch her feet on the ground.

But did you guys know that X is the most versatile letter of the alphabet? Used to convey mystery (X-Factor or in Algebra - Find X). One of only 7 letters used in the Roman numerals, can be used as a multiplication sign, is a letter word (like I), is second only to Z when it comes to least number of words starting with it, used as a multiplication sign as well as a symbol for wrong, can mean both a popular Hollywood movie franchise or a genre of porn movies when used thrice (XXX), is used as a symbol to mark a spot, is the horizontal axis in the cartesian system.

Here's to being as versatile as X and having the X-Factor.